Please Stop Pissing on the Royal Palace of Amsterdam

Life presents us with many conundrums and an issue we all face is the vexing question of where to pee. As it is currently considered taboo to simply relax and soak your trousers, modern life sees us, at least once a day, running around in search of a toilet.

In this regard, Amsterdam can be a particularly problematic city if you are a tourist, unfamiliar with its ways and customs.? Many visitors are taken aback by the Dutch custom of charging customers a Euro to uses toilets, even in bars and cafes where you have already paid for food and drink. Others find themselves, after a day of cheerful quaffing and toking, unable to find a friendly establishment evening willing to let them pay to use their toilet.

Obviously, the natural instinct, when one is caught short and receiving urgent messages from one?s bladder, is to find a quite, dark corner, whip it out and enjoy a deeply satisfying pee. Unfortunately for the Royal Palace of Amsterdam, which has proudly dominated Dam Square since the Dutch Golden Age in the 17^th Century, its grand architecture, offers precisely the sort of dim crannies and darkened arches favoured by late night, outdoor urinators.

Having spent millions of Euros on renovating the Royal Palace in 2011 (just one of many building projects for the benefit of the Dutch royal family but paid for by the public), the authorities are understandably upset at its new status as the world’s most majestic pissoir and have urged the Amsterdam police to be more zealous in catching the offenders. If you are caught, you will end up not only with pee on your trousers but, also, a €140 fine in your pocket.

The short term solution of erecting a fence right around the Royal Palace has generated a storm of criticism, not least from the country’s Interior Ministry who feel it diminishes such a historic and high profile monument. Among the more permanent solutions under consideration are movement sensitive lights that will, literally, put the pissers in the spotlight. Another idea under consideration is a fence that mechanically retracts into the ground during daylight hours, possibly complemented by high-tech urinals which also retract into the ground, as already seen in the Amsterdam’s Red Light District.

Incidentally, don’t forget to refer to the maps in the Ultimate Red Light Guide if you want to know the locations of several free urinals in the centre of Amsterdam, it will work out a lot cheaper than peeing on the palace!